Another achievement, I’ve made it to week four. It has been full of ups and downs but I’ve made it this far.
This week is about ‘Recovering a sense of integrity’. This chapter says that through the morning pages we should be getting a sense of our real feelings. So instead of saying ‘that’s fine’ I am now saying, ‘I’m really annoyed’ or ‘no that’s not okay’. The morning pages may have also shown us what we really want, like or need from life. I realised that while my electric kettle did the job what I really wanted was a whistling kettle for the gas hob. We begin to re-assess our lives and cleaning them out. Out with old clothes, knick knacks, habits, beliefs and electric kettles. From now on its clothes that fit and make me feel good, the belief that yes I am good enough and a shiny new whistling blue kettle!
I am extremely tired this week. Trying to find a new balance between life, the Artist’s Way and a new job is not easy. One morning I was so tired that I fell asleep on the page after writing only a few lines. I’m facing into another period of adjustment. I attempted all 7 days of morning pages but found I was forcing the words onto the page.
Out of my first wages I bought a new adult colouring book, emphasis on adult! So that was my artist’s date this week. The book came with pencils so I took the book and a cup of tea to my spare room leaving behind orders that unless there was a mortal injury or the house was on fire I was not to be disturbed. I sat, sipped and coloured for over an hour. It was great fun and very relaxing. While I coloured my mind was completely focused on the job at hand. It didn’t wander or drift off. I was totally present in the moment. That must be why the book is called ‘Mindful Mandalas’.
I’m now more aware of instances of synchronicity and more open to it. Although the whole idea of the Universe giving me what I ask for is still a little mind boggling. I’d ask for someone tall, dark and handsome to test it but I don’t think Husband would be too impressed! I might be wrong of course, but I doubt it.
While I am still adjusting to my new routine, I think I’m dealing with it very well and I’m still on the mood and energy high. I’m doing my best to balance everything but not being hard on myself when I can’t. This week I’ve noticed a more positive outlook starting to creep into my personality and I’m not entirely comfortable with it. I feel like Wednesday Addams coming out of the creepy happy hut in The Addams Family Values and trying to smile. (For those of you who don’t get that reference for shame!!) I have always been a negative person, I used to say I was optimistically pessimistic. I was negative and I liked it. This new ‘it’ll all work out in the end’ attitude is very off putting! If this is the effect the next few weeks will have on me, I’m not entirely sure I want to carry on. I quite like being miserable.
I’ve made it to week three! Woohoo! I can’t believe I haven’t given up yet! It really must be working or else I’ve gone completely stark raving mad. The latter is highly possible!
This week I am ‘Recovering a sense of Power’. It deals with the emotions that might crop up on our path to creative enlightenment. The nasty ones like shame and anger. It also teaches us about ‘synchronicity’. This simply means that we are provided with what we need. I decided I wanted a fold-up writing table but couldn’t afford one, then I found a laptop tray for a price I could afford. This is synchronicity. Read more →
I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy on antibiotics. I had kidney infections, chest infections, swollen glands, infection, infection, infection! It was one after another. I would finish one course and a week later I was back on another. It was at a clinic appointment that the reason for these was noticed. My glucose levels were on the high side. I was sent for a glucose test 2 months earlier than normal and I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.
I wasn’t really sure what this meant and all I was really sure of was that I now had another set of clinic appointment to add to my collection. Read more →
Saturday 29th of March 2014 found in me in a rather unusual situation. Husband and I were in Tesco buying wine. I was going to a friend’s house for a girl’s night in. I don’t do this a lot so I was really looking forward to it. I spent ages picking a nice wine. Then doubt started to creep in. I had been feeling funny for the last 3 weeks. I was constantly tired no matter how much sleep I got, my appetite was disappearing and I was feeling a little sick. I had also missed my period but kept telling myself I’ll get it tomorrow.
So right there in the alcohol section the decision was made, I was taking the wine to the checkout, Husband was getting a test and we would meet back at the car. Not suspicious at all. But I was terrified and mortified. Buying a pregnancy test and a bottle of wine in Tesco was the last thing I wanted to be seen doing. Read more →
I’m not very good with face to face but I have something I want to tell you, something you need to know. The easiest way for me to tell you is to write to you.
Right now, you’re two years old. You’re small, smart and stubborn. Most of that you get from me. I’m not sure if that makes me sorry or proud. I’m mostly proud. You’re funny, a messer and such an entertainer. This you get from your dad. I take no responsibility for that! Each day you learn something new. You pick things up so quickly it scares me. You have so much potential, you will be amazing no matter what you decide to do with your life.
You are so alert, you miss nothing. The soother we’ve hidden or the play doh I hate, the buttons or grapes you want before dinner. You see it all. There are some things I wish you wouldn’t see, things I wish you didn’t have to see. Read more →