How Not to Kill your Husband



I always thought of myself as an Elizabeth Bennet type. Independent, intelligent, witty, refusing to marry for anything less than the very deepest of love. 

I do like to think of myself as all these things and my husband will definitely tell you that if there was a Miss Independent, that crown would be mine! 

But the thing is I turned out to be more of a Charlotte Lucas than Elizabeth Bennet. How the hell did that happen?

Please do not get me wrong, I didn’t marry just for a comfortable life. Without being overly soppy, I love my husband to bits (Elizabeth) and I would be lost without him. No seriously, my sense of direction is terrible.

On the practical side of things, we are a good match (Charlotte!) and I like to think that we balance each other. But dear God do I want to kill him about 70% of the time we are together!!

He just has the knack of rubbing me the wrong way (get your mind out of the gutter), and he winds me up to no end! If I’m not picking his dirty clothes off the floor, I’m falling over laptop wires that I’ve told him a million time are not toddler proof or obviously wife proof. The endless night before requests for non-dryer friendly shirts or trousers. Coming in at bedtime and getting Puddin all wired up just as I got her settled down and ready to drift off!! Anyone one else have a partner like this? Anyone??

There have been times when he barely got away with his life! I am not known for my sweet temperament and patience! It has been a struggle, but I have managed to keep him alive, which, I have to admit, has surprised my entire family. 

Well let me give you some helpful tips I picked up over our 12 years together, that has kept him in the whole of his health and me out of prison.

Please Note: I titled this Piece ‘How Not to Kill Your Husband’ because that's what I have. All these tips can, of course be tailored to suit your own needs; be it husband, wife, partner, human, or extra-terrestrial. There will be no discrimination here, only helpful advice. 

Tip 1: Do Not Cook His Food

This might sound a bit strange. We all have to eat, and I can assure you that Husband is no different. 

However, it is just too easy to slip something nasty but undetectable into food. Trust me, I watch CSI and Criminal Minds, I know what I’m talking about. 

Your kitchen is a dangerous place. Picture this, you're preparing a lovely pasta dish, maybe with a side of garlic bread. Everything is going along smoothly until Husband comes in and announces that he needs this shirt washed and dried for a meeting in less than 5 Hours. Suddenly, you’ve put arsenic on the bread instead of garlic and your husband is none the wiser! 

It might seem lazy or selfish, but believe me when I say, it will save his life every day.

Tip 2: Do Not Iron His Clothes

Again, another strange one. From my own experience, murderous rage clouds common sense, especially when I’ve already got 101 other things to do. 

When the above-mentioned shirt is dry and he needs help ironing it, it is so hard to remember to take him out of the shirt first! 

I already have a to do list longer than myself, Puddin running riot with the cat and dog. My brain has no room left to remember trivial things like not ironing Husband’s clothes on his back. Hot irons, and angry Susan do not, living Husband make!

So please for his own health and safety, make him iron is own clothes.

Tip 3:  Do Not Garden with Him

Sounds idyllic, doesn’t it? A lovely spring day, sun beaming down and both of you working side by side.

Then he says he’s getting a new lawnmower, gazebo, bark, and god knows what for the garden. Now you’ve only been waiting for a new vacuum for 6 months, but his needs are more important.

You start off weeding and digging holes for all the pretty flowers you bought together. The more he talks the more you dig. All of a sudden, you’ve dug a six-foot hole and bashed him over the head with a shovel. Into the hole he goes but now the roses do look lovely!

It’s easier than it sounds. So please for your partners safety when you see the sun shining stay inside with a good book and a glass of wine.

Tip 4: Don’t even think of DIYing Together

You’ve both got the day off and have planned to spend the day turning the spare room into an office/library space. You’ve had the bookshelves for ages and now they’re finally being put together. You manage to manhandle the desk into place and start on the shelves. You can’t wait to see all your books up on them. You get the first one done, and it looks magnificent. You two are on a roll.

Halfway through the second one he announces that there is a match on the TV at 2pm and you’ll have to carry on without him. Well now this certainly throws a spanner in works. Or more precisely the hammer at the back of his head. Now you have 2 problems, he’s making a mess all over the floor and your once pristinely white bookcase is speckled red.

Let’s face it, he was always good at making a mess and not being around to clean it up. As for the bookcase, you decide that white with red dots is a good colour scheme and you take yourself off to buy some paint.

Tip 5: Never walk down the stairs behind him

Now I know its traditional to let a man walk down the stairs in front of you, in case you slip he can break your fall.

However, its just far too tempting while staring at his back and he has just said something incredibly stupid to give him a little nudge down the stairs.

Once again you find yourself with a fresh crop of roses in the garden. But all the neighbours have been admiring your green thumb.

Tip 6: Do not sleep together

Now I know that sometimes it’s nice to have someone to curl up with but trust me, for his own health and safety, get separate rooms.

Picture this, you’re lying there tossing and turning before you fall asleep, replaying the events of the day and of course he has falling into a deep sleep the minute his head hit the pillow.

Then you hear it, its soft at first then it gets louder and louder until it sounds like a chainsaw in your bed. He is snoring.

You know there is only one cure. You gently take a pillow from under his head and press it down over his face until eventually after a small struggle the snoring stops.

These are my top 6 tips on how not to kill your husband. Now this is not an exhaustive list, I am sure there are many more tips and tricks to keep your partner safe and healthy during your marriage or relationship. Was your top tip mentioned here? If not let me know, and I might do a part 2!